I’m Just Here For The Swag…..

Job fairs….sigh….

It has been my experience, that job fairs are not exactly vast, well stocked pools from which to fish for potential new associates. I’m sure there are many HR professionals out there who will disagree with me, who enjoy attending these events and consider them a viable resource for recruiting qualified candidates, but I don’t know any of those folks.

I suspect they are among the lucky elite who are not limited to attending only those events that do not require an entry fee to participate. Their gatherings are probably also called “conferences” or “career networking events” and not “fairs…” Trust me, it’s an important distinction.

These conferences are typically sponsored by a group affiliated with a specific industry or college and held in the grand ballroom of a convention center….where I imagine there are ample electrical outlets, restrooms and ice cold drinking water for all in attendance.

So that employers get the most recruiting bang for their buck, conference hosts have often promoted the event to a targeted group of job seekers with the desirable qualifications, skills and motivation to fit the needs of the attending hiring managers…..AND they’ve done a lot of the preliminary work to prepare candidates to meet with prospective employers; reviewing resumes, conducting mock interviews….suggesting that flip-flops are not an appropriate shoe choice….

But in my case, due to certain requirements mandated by certain governing bodies in exchange for having certain privileges, (all on the up and up, even though it probably doesn’t sound like it), I must attend a “reasonable” number of job/career fairs sponsored by unemployment and related non-profit agencies….typically held in the meeting space of an Elk’s lodge or the basement of a public library….

In all my years as an HR professional, I’ve never hired anyone I met at any of these events.

I don’t blame the hosts though.  I have never met a career coach from any of the non-profit groups whose events I’ve attended who wasn’t well meaning, compassionate and committed to their cause.  Not easy to do with minimal resources, a shoe-string budget and an enormous caseload of job seekers with varying degrees of motivation.  I always just assume they sent all the really good hires to the classier event across town….that’s what I would do….

What’s left then, are all those “job seekers” who seem to have come primarily to collect as many trinkets and random knickknacks from recruiting tables as can be crammed into the complimentary, reusable shopping bags picked up on their way through the door.

It’s like the swag bags at the Oscars….if the Oscars had all the glitz and glamour of a yard sale….where everything is free….pens that double as a stylus or pointer….bouncy balls that light up in a rainbow of colors when they hit the floor….shoe horns, drink cozies, magnets, bumper stickers, highlighters, tiny notepads and much, much more are all up for grabs.

Occasionally, an employer tries to buck the system and show’s up with nothing but a table cloth and a few printed job descriptions and it’s as if they are recruiting Ebola victims….eventually, people will stop by to feign interest, but their darting glances about the room and their body language…poised to bolt at the first sign the recruiter across the room might run out of stress balls in the shape of a tiny car…. are the signs they have stopped only because they are hoping the recruiter is simply hiding the treasure….and if it’s hidden…oh, what must it be….

At some events, job fair coordinators reward job seekers for visiting a set number of tables by giving them a raffle ticket to a main prize, like a Blue-Ray player or a flat screen TV.  I always think a gift card for a business casual interview outfit or transportation fare for a day of interviewing would be a better choice given the overall theme of the day….but it was likely the possibility of scoring a fifty-dollar Blue Ray player that lured the majority in to begin with.

I assume these tactics are the event coordinators way of forcing people to utilize the job fair for it’s intended purpose.  The  employer’s role in the scheme is to add a stamp to a job seekers “passport card” or provide them with a signed piece of colored paper with our company logo in exchange for a raffle ticket toward the end of the day.

Employers are always asked not to just stamp away as people file through, but to “encourage those who approach to spend time discussing opportunities and the interested persons skills and qualifications”….and in the beginning, I played along.

If someone came to my table and said, “Can I get a stamp?

I would say, “Sure, after we’ve spoken about the career opportunities available to you at my company.”

Overtime though, I grew weary of the charade….I mean, let’s face it, I wasn’t about to legitimately offer career opportunities to someone who approached my table with a cigarette tucked behind one ear and wearing a grayish, white tank top anyway….and so now, I reluctantly sigh, offer my best, disapproving stare, stamp and go back to surveying the crowd for hopeful potentials….

Well, I think….there’s that lady over there with what appears to be a tattoo of the sign of Pisces on her neck….or it’s a foot, maybe….I don’t know, too far away to tell….I don’t really care either way, I don’t have an issue with tattoo’s, times have changed, but those snowflake fleece pajama pants are tough to get past….

Ok, wait a minute… that guy looks like a maybe from behind….nice hair cut, pressed “skinny” pants with a tucked in, (BONUS!), dress shirt AND a belt…now if I could just make eye contact….WHOA!  Never mind, that is way too much hardware on one face…is his forehead pierced?

Grey sweatsuit guy….maybe….with the right coaching about interview etiquette, there’s a chance I could turn him around….if he wasn’t wearing a weeks worth of meals on the front of the shirt and what could either be a skid mark or a chocolate stain on the back of his pants….either way, if he didn’t think it was worthwhile to at least show up in a clean sweatsuit, how much hope is there, really….

There’s the girl over there wearing leggings and a tiny shirt….since I’m not looking for someone to smuggle camel toe into the country today, I’ll pass….

Here we go!  I think as a woman approaches my booth…clean pants, collared shirt, brushed hair….a folder with what might be resumes tucked inside….

I offer her my most inviting smile and a warm “Hello!  How are you today!?”

“Can I get a stamp?”  She asks….”And one of those…”

Job fairs…sigh….

What You Want With My Man…..

Now that 2014 has come to a close, I thought I would share the five most memorable conversations I had with applicants throughout the year…all of whom, I hope I never have to speak to again….

#1 – Do they make a shampoo for that?

Applicant:  I got your offer letter and I have some questions about the drug screen.  What kind of test is it?

Me:  It’s a hair follicle test.

Applicant:  Oh, well, when do I have to go for the test?

Me:  I typically ask that you go within a week of receiving the offer letter if you plan to accept the position.

Applicant:  So, it wouldn’t be OK if I went, like, next month or something?

Me:  No, I don’t think that would work.

Applicant:  Why don’t you just do the pee test?

Me:  Because the hair follicle can detect certain illegal substances used over the course of several months.

Applicant:  What if I don’t have any hair on my head?

Me:  They’ll take body hair.

Applicant:  What if I don’t have any body hair?

Me:  Are you trying to tell me that you have no hair, or are you trying to tell me something else?

Applicant:  Ok, see, I don’t do drugs, but everyone in my family does.  My parents and all my siblings and I live at home so whatever they smoke, I’m sure it’s in my hair.

Me:  I don’t think it works that way. You have to be a user in order to test positive.

Applicant:  Well, maybe I just shouldn’t take the job.

Me:  Yeah, maybe not….

#2 – One for the X-Files….

Me:  Hello, Chris, I’m calling for your scheduled telephone interview.

Chris:  I thought this was happening on the 31st

Me:  Right.  Today is the 31st.

Chris:  Are you sure?

Me:  Yes, I’m fairly certain this is the 31st.

Chris:  I don’t think it is.  Isn’t it Wednesday?

Me:  Nope….it’s Thursday…all day even.

Chris:  Wow, how did I lose a whole day?

Me:  I can’t even begin to guess.

Chris:  Can we do this tomorrow since I thought tomorrow was Thursday?

Me:  No.

#3Must not have been clear in the company handbook….

Me:  “So, you were at the electronics store for six months?  Why so short a time?

Applicant:  Well, I got fired from that job. I got caught stealing money.

Me:  I see. Ok, so after that you became a collections rep, also for six months, why did you leave there?

Applicant: Well, I got fired from that job too. I didn’t steal anything though, it was only sexual harassment.

Me:  ONLY sexual harassment?

Applicant:  Yeah, I made a few comments to a girl at work I guess you’re not allowed to make at work.  

Me:  Alright. Um, then you were at the casino for 9 months? Why did you leave? 

Applicant:  I got fired again. I got caught having a friend fill in for me when I couldn’t work.

Me:  Like another employee?

Applicant:  No, he didn’t work there, but I was just doing janitor work and it’s a big place, I didn’t think anyone would notice. 

Me to Myself:  Huh….that’s kind of brilliant…I wonder if I could get away with that?

#4As Teresa Giudice would say, “He was away….”

Me:  There is an 11 year employment gap on your application, what have you been doing?

Applicant:  I was spending some time at a State Correctional Institution.

Me:  You were incarcerated?

Applicant:  That’s one way of saying it.

#5 – Apples to Oranges….

Job Fair Attendant Who Visited My Table:  “What if I got a record?”

Me:  “Depends on your record.”

Job Fair Attendant:  “Just a couple felonies, but I didn’t actually kill anyone.”


Big Booty Hoe’s…..

I remember, quite fondly actually, when I could make a phone call and the only thing I heard as I waited for someone to answer was the simple, but effective, brrring, brring, brrring, of a standard telephone.  That classic trill echoing through my receiver, told me everything I needed to know; I had correctly dialed a phone number and it was working.

The saying, “You don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone,” can be applied to so many things….

These days, when I pick up the phone to call a new applicant, I’m more often than not greeted by the not-quite formal, but not-quite informal voice of a woman who has carved out a career niche for herself by uttering the words I loathe to hear….“Please enjoy this ringtone while your party is reached.”

And, nope….I generally do not find it at all enjoyable.

I assume, people elect this option as a way of customizing and personalizing the cellular experience.  That the selected song has some kind of personal meaning.  That the person who chose it, chose it because he or she relates to it in some way….otherwise, why bother?  And, I get it.

When I got my first cell phone in my very early twenties, the ringtone I set for incoming calls was the original theme song to Beverly Hills 90210….and then I grew up.  I quickly realized, simply by observing the reactions of my co-workers and strangers, that this was probably lame.  Yeah, I liked the show….Ok, LOVED the show, but I knew that conclusions regarding my maturity as a professional adult were being made by my irritating choice of ringtones….that for all things, there is a time and a place….

So, when I pick up the phone, dial an applicant and hear the now all too familiar ring tone lady inviting me to “Please enjoy this ringtone while your party is reached” and the next thing I hear is….“All I want is hoes, big booty hoes,” it’s pretty much over.

It’s not because I don’t happen to share the same taste in music, or because I believe a person’s enjoyment of any particular genre of music is character defining, but because I have to wonder about the overall consciousness of a person who chooses to represent themselves to all prospective callers, from family members to business associates, with a song whose lyrics include…“Biggie bag bitches from barbecues to bar mitzvah’s.”  So yeah, this probably isn’t going to work out….

Not all choices have me leaning toward a denial though….some just give me a chuckle and a chance to insert a bit of snark when I share them on my blog.

Geez, so many Halls of Shame to keep track of…..Here are the ringtones!

Britney Spears – I’m Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman.   Um, I’m guessing, based on the dates you included on your resume that you are somewhere in your mid-to-late thirties…..I hate to break it to you, but a more appropriate choice might have been, “I’m A Woman, But Not Yet An Old Woman.”  Proposed sample lyrics, “I’m not an Old Woman, I’m just trying to fight the crows feet in me, yeah…”  

Kanye West – Gold-Digger.  You applied for a part-time job that pays $13.00 an hour….no benefits….gold diggers are probably the least of your worries.

Guns N’ Roses – I Used To Love Her….But I Had To Kill Her.  So, this explains the gaps in your employment history.

Kenny Chesney – She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy.  Please….you live in the suburbs of a major city….at best, you have a riding lawn mower and no one thinks that’s sexy.

Brad Paisley – Ticks.  Lyme Disease is so romantic.

Meghan Trainor – All About That Bass.  Hey!  I might know someone for you….he likes a big booty….

To be continued…..  

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