Kiss My Elf on the Shelf….

In recent weeks, my Facebook page has been flooded with various editorials about the holiday season published on sites I follow and usually enjoy.  But lately its been nothing but long winded, self-righteous diatribes about the holiday season.

The only thing I’ve learned from any of it….is that the world really needs to remove the giant mistletoe lodged up our collective asses and lighten up.

Topics:

  1.  “Please don’t ask my child what Santa brought him/her for Christmas…. Santa is a lie and we don’t believe in lying.  Also, it’s really awkward for my kid when you don’t anticipate the precise philosophy we subscribe to when attempting to engage us in a kind hearted conversation about the holidays….and we don’t believe in having awkward conversations either.

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Personally, I don’t give a flying reindeer fart how someone else chooses to celebrate….or not to celebrate….the holiday season.

You don’t “do the Santa thing?”  Well, Fa-La-La-La-La for you!  Who cares if it’s a revelation that leaves anyone who might ask bewildered or disappointed?

If it’s a conviction you feel so strongly about, shouldn’t you be teaching your kids to stand by it?

Shit, if I had a candy cane for every time I’ve ever disappointed someone, I’d have a zillion candy canes….half a zillion today.  It’s a part of life.

If total truth and candor in all things is how you roll….misleading your kid into believing the world will always revolve around their feelings is the biggest lie of all.


2.  “No, we do not have an Elf….the entire tradition puts too much pressure on already harried parents to come up with clever ways to pose said mischievous little elf (who by the way is always up to no good….but supposedly tasked by Santa to ensure children behave….hypocritical elfin bastard) and at the end of the day, all parents end up on Pinterest looking for ideas to steal….and you know what?  I we like to promote thievery either….or hypocrisy.”

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Oh, the Elf on the Shelf….AKA….the billion dollar idea I wish I’d had.

Why bother to write about a tradition you aren’t interested in?  Why the need to publicly justify your anti-elf stance?  What are you trying to prove and to who?

My family has an elf.  Her name is Tinsel and I can honestly say I play along with the whole charade for one person and one person only….and that person is me.

Yes, my son enjoys the game, but had I not purchased our Elf in advance of his first Christmas, he would know nothing of the rosy cheeked little Sprite.

I do it because I love to see my son’s little face light up when he discovers Tinsel every morning.  It makes me happy to sprinkle a bit of magic and whimsy into the day.

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You may consider it a waste of my time and you might also question the overall message it sends, but considering you wasted 1,000 plus words trying to rally Elf-less families everywhere, I have serious concerns regarding your time management skills.  Also, there were like 30 different editorials devoted to this one topic….not exactly an original idea.  Ya thief.


3.  “45 reasons I will only say Merry Christmas….Jesus is the reason for the season….etc.”

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No.  Jesus is YOUR reason for the season.

NEWSFLASH!  

You share the earth with something like a bajillion people and they don’t all agree with you.  Get over it.

Are you really going to get your garland all in a twist because someone greeted you with a “Happy Holidays!” instead of a “Merry Christmas!”

Since when has “Happy Holidays” been synonymous with go F-yourself?  Oh right….since never.  Consider yourself blessed that someone would bother to take the time to wish you a bit of goodwill and holiday cheer.  I think Jesus would like that.


4.  “We only give our children one present….and a stocking full of oranges and walnuts….because we don’t believe in turning our children into materialistic assholes.”

Really?  That’s your big parenting tactic?  Isn’t that a similar philosophy to those parents who never allow their kids even the scent of junk food….and then the moment those kids have a bit of freedom they go all Augustus Gloop?

What is the exact right amount of presents to give before the scales tip irreversibly toward churning out a materialistic asshole anyway?

Wouldn’t it just be easier to raise your kid not to be a materialistic asshole….no matter the number of presents under the tree?


5.  And the counter argument:

“We go big during the holidays.  We celebrate Hannukah, Christmas and Kwanza.  We’re Atheists, so it’s not about religion, it’s about presents and we buy so many it takes the span of a day to open them all.  Then, we all sit around our 40 foot Douglas Fir at our ski chalet in Aspen….cozy in our LL Bean pj’s….and laugh and laugh because the kids just want to play with the packaging.  Why? Because we can and if you don’t like it, you can kiss my tight Merry ChristmASS.”

Am I supposed to be jealous?  Impressed?  It would be helpful to know what feeling these posts are meant to elicit, because the only thing that comes to mind is, “That’s just tacky, Teresa Giudice.  Those who really have it, don’t have to brag about it.  

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Hey, maybe you hold the key to the exact right amount of presents to give before the scales tip irreversibly toward churning out a materialistic asshole.  Feel free to chime in.


6.  “Your Santa deprived Scrooge of a kid just let slip to my kid that Santa is a fraud.  So, I called the Principal and tattled and then let slip to my kid that your kid is adopted.  Good luck dispelling that one.”

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I would suggest one of two optons.  Home schooling that is totally devoid of outside influences….it worked wonders for Josh Duggar.

Or….grow up.


7.  “Sigh….I’m spending the holidays surrounded by my family and friends and they are all douche bags….here are the 25 ways I survive.”

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Oh, I’m so sorry you have to spend the holidays surrounded by family and friends you don’t particularly care for.  It must be tough, as an adult, to be unable to make your own choices.  And before you go down the road of explaining why it really isn’t that easy….yes it is.

If you can’t stand them, take a vacation.  Pretend to be sick, or just tell them they suck, that will probably get you uninvited.  Maybe, just maybe, they don’t like you either.

Or, try alcoholism.  A co-worker recently told me survives by hiding in her pantry and drinking wine out of a red Solo cup.


8.  My thoughts on the holiday season.

Quite simply….May Your Days Be Merry and Bright.  However and in whatever way you choose.

Merry All of It!

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