Dressed for Success….Minus the Success….
In recent years, my interactions with people I’ve interviewed have led me to the conclusion that a large percentage of the population should be required to attend a class on life….before they are allowed to have one.
High on my list of proposed courses would be:
Flip-Flops and Slippers and Camel Toe, Oh My….A Deep Dive Into Their Roots and Purpose and When It’s Time to Put Them Away.
Topics to be explored:
The Mullet of Interview Attire: You may think that finishing off a three piece suit with a pair of bedroom slippers says, “Hey, I might be all business up top, but I’m just your average, casual, every man down below,” but….no. It just looks like you forgot to finish getting dressed….especially when paired with old, white’ish tube socks.
Smells like Unemployment: 475 spritzes of Drakkar Noir or CK One, may have had the ladies swarming to you like flies on a turd…..back in the 90’s….but unless you are interviewing at a nightclub, you probably won’t be competing with the scents of spilled well drinks, bud light and sweat….so, TONE IT DOWN. Hiring managers prefer not to burn their office furniture and clothing in order to thoroughly rinse you off.
If Leggings Were Pants, They Would be Called Pants: No one wants to see your vagina eating your clothing….ever….That is all.
The Moose Knuckle Effect: Allow your balls a little wiggle room boys….you can still be a hipster without the mangina.
Is it a Shirt, Or A Bib? That is the Question: Never underestimate the power of a clean shirt….any clean shirt. Showing up to an interview in a shirt that looks like you dug it out from the deepest, dirtiest recesses of your laundry basket….and then used it as a napkin at All You Can Eat Rib night….and then fought to protect it while being attacked by a pack of wild dogs who were lured in by the smell of baby back….and then after making your bloody escape, headed home where you passed out in it for a night of fitful, sweaty sleep…. and then in the morning, tossed it into the ironing machine (dryer) with a handful of dryer sheets to mask the smell….it looks less like you want the job and more like the Unemployment Agency made you come.
There Comes a Point in Every Woman’s Life When it’s Time to Bid Farewell to the Junior Section: Just because that American Rag, metallic lace dress fits, doesn’t mean you should wear it…..And all those articles of clothing with the word “Juicy” or “Love” emblazoned in rhinestones and sequins don’t make you look trendy or fun….they make you look like the kind of employee who called out of work because Brangelina announced they were breaking up and you couldn’t manage to get out of bed.
Best Kept Under Wraps: If you could scale a tree with your toenails….and/or if your toenails are the color of Grey Poupon….and/or if your feet require a power sander to remove the various layers of dried, cracked skin that make your heels look like a city road map….then open-toed shoes are not for you.
PS…To anyone who may have stumbled across this blog post while searching for interviewing tips….You are welcome.