Miss USA for President….
Last night, I was lying in bed eating Cheetos (don’t judge, it’s that time of the month and when that bitch wants Cheetos….you give her Cheetos!) and catching up on my backlog of People magazines on my iPad.
Each week, the magazine reports out on the daily caloric intake of a celebrity, usually a female celebrity, in a piece entitled “What I Eat in a Day.”
It typically reads something like this:
Hydration: 2 Gallons of water, hand bottled from Fiji, served at room temperature and infused with blood diamonds and orange zest.
Breakfast: 1/4 of a duck egg white (sprinkled with some kind of seed, or powder or germ I’ve rarely heard of, but always sounds like some kind of venereal disease), 1/2 serving of sprouted toast with a thin layer of coconut butter and manuka honey.
Snack: Some kind of poop inducing cleansing juice or tea….and four raw almonds.
Lunch: Smoked salmon plucked directly from the grasp of a grizzly bear during salmon spawning season, served with a teaspoon of quinoa.
Snack: Four Persian cucumber slices sprinkled with fresh squeezed lemon juice and a handful of goji berries.
Dinner: Roasted whole fish served with homemade anchovy salsa verde and a three leaf salad made from greens found on the Mongolian Steppe and fertilized by reindeer.
Dessert: One square of dark chocolate and a mint leaf.
Obviously, I’m exaggerating, but only a little bit.
These are clearly people who come from a place of privilege most of us Cheetos eating folks will never know; a place where the staff picks up the dry cleaning and does the laundry and runs the errands and cooks the meals that are, of course, all made completely from scratch.
Perhaps these women are preparing these meals for themselves, but I highly doubt it. In fact, I would bet the only time Kim Kardashian ever handles food preparation, is when she’s placing an olive leaf over half of each nipple for her latest nude selfie.
Not that I poo-poo the value of healthy eating, quite the contrary, it’s just that most of us are doing it within a budget that doesn’t allow for a $300 per meal allowance.
Beyond the cost of the items though, is the overall absurdity of them. Rarely, could anything listed be found at a local grocer and it’s just generally hard to believe it’s entirely truthful.
Come on! I often find myself yelling at someone like Christie Brinkley. This is what you eat on your best day! Admit it, you filthy liar!
How is it possible that a Snickers or just a basic ham and swiss is seemingly never on the menu? It would be just like pairing Dolce and Gabana jeans with a basic tee from the Gap….you know you do it….you can’t be fancy all the time.
Anyway, in addition to the meal and total day calorie count, a dietician also weighs in on the celeb’s overall diet and food choices….as if any of these celebrities actually give half a flying pomegranate seed what a People magazine dietician has to say when they have Tracey Anderson screaming in their faces….but for those of who do want to know, it typically reads something like this:
“Grizzly snagged salmon is the best option for fish if you can get your hands on it! Very fresh and rich in Omega-3’s. Four almonds is really too much post cleanse though….why fill back up….two is your best bet. Love the square of chocolate for an evening dessert, it’s important to treat yourself now and then….AND chewing on the mint leaf for the balance of the evening will curb those hunger pains until morning!”
I often read and think, is the price you pay to look like JLo? I think I’d rather look like Rush Limbaugh.
Last night though, when I got to the article in this particular edition of the magazine, my eye was immediately drawn to a circular shape in the bottom right corner of the page.
Is that….a donut? I thought as I licked Cheeto dust from my fingers in order to properly zoom in on the image.
Yeah it is….that’s a friggin’ donut!
Turns out, the newly crowned Miss U.S.A., Deshauna Barber, eats a glazed donut for dessert. Not some baked, vegan, no fun Gwyneth Paltrow donut either, but a good old American Krispy Kreme.
You know, I just might write her in for President….all things considered.