Help Not Wanted….

Over the course of the last few months, I’ve been a regular on the Job Fair circuit as a representative of The Really Big Company.

I’ve spent time in the dingy basement recreation halls of VFW’s located on remote country roads….wedged in-between computer stations at unemployment offices watching supposed job seekers do everything but job search from their workstations….I’ve spent long afternoons at Community Colleges in three different states watching the 22 and under crowd giggle their way through the event, traveling in packs and flitting from table to table in Yoga pants, leggings or skinny jeans (males and females) without a resume among them or any idea how to engage with a potential employer….I’ve had way too many cups of coffee while set up in front of a Starbuck’s at a mall….and I’ve seen every banquet hall of every convention / event center within a 500 mile radius of my home.

Want to know how many people I’ve actually hired?  ZERO.

Approximately….no one does their research before coming to these events.  And by research, I don’t mean just taking the time to review the information of the employers who will be attending….made really easy by the fact that detailed company profiles and complete job descriptions are disclosed to interested participants weeks ahead of the event….I’m talking more the bare bones basics.

Like, why wearing a pair of white sweatpants with the American Flag printed across the butt in lieu of a pair of cheap dress pants….or even just a pair of clean jeans….would have been the better choice in attire for meeting a potential future employer.

Also, understanding what constitutes a stupid question….because contrary to what you might have been told, there is absolutely such a thing as a stupid question.

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I’ve written about my job fair experiences before in a blog post called, I’m Just Here for the Swag, but this time, I thought it might be helpful….for anyone stumbling across this who might be looking for advice….to offer a list of things you should never ask/say to a recruiter at a job fair.  If you actually want to find a job.

1.  Are you hiring?  Um….need I say more?

2.  Recruiter:  What kind of roles are you looking for?  
      Job Seeker:  A job.  
No shit?  Well, isn’t that fortuitous….you being at a job fair and me being a recruiter.  Why, it’s a lucky day for both of us!

3.  Why should I want to work for your company?  If you’re going to ask that question, you should really have the professional goods to back it up.  The goods, by the way, do not include a button down baseball jersey….with only one of the buttons fastened….so that your considerable hairy girth spills out of it and makes me gag.

4.  Does it matter how I get to work?  Should it?  Are you planning to arrive on the back of an indentured servant?  In a stolen vehicle?  Via police escort?  In a prison work release van?

5.  What is the dress code?  Well, I can tell you it doesn’t include camel toe….or moose knuckle.

6.  What does your company do?  It’s The Really Big Ass Company.  People in nearly 100 countries around the world know what it is….it’s like asking McDonald’s what they do.

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7.  Do you have a drug testing policy?  If you have to ask, it’s probably not going to work out.

8.  How many sick days do you allow in a year and how many of them can be taken on a Monday or a Friday?  Oh, I’m so sorry to hear you suffer from that disease….the one that only strikes right before or right after the weekend….probably explains why you’ve had 27 jobs in five years.

9.  Do you hire people without any experience whatsoever?  Wow!  Way to self-promote!  Did you just start breathing two second’s ago?  Here’s a little tip….EVERYONE has experience, the trick is in how you sell it.

10.  Recruiter:  It’s an entry level position with a lot of room for growth.
        Job Seeker:  I’m more management material.  
Hmmm….according to the resume….you didn’t bring….to a job fair….you aren’t even qualified to be having this conversation.

The good news, is that I have about a dozen more of these to attend, so there is a very good chance I’ll end up losing it in a ranting rampage of reusable shopping bags, stress balls, pens, hand sanitizer and mints and then I’ll get a nice little vacation….aka, psych leave.b5a94fc047089b607824de3515e8cc67.jpg

 

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