By the Light of the Full Moon….

Do you ever wonder how some people have managed to survive off the boob for as long as they have?  I do….often.

Like, when….the father of a 22 year-old college graduate calls and asks to coordinate a conference call to discuss / negotiate the employment offer extended to his adult daughter….and when it’s not the last time it happens.

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And the time a newly hired associate quit after a month because it was “too cold” when he got up in the morning to come to work.

The thought comes to mind every time my husbands ex-wife (Leeroy Massengill) refers to me as a bimbo and/or a gold digger….a label she is perpetually trying to brand me with….despite the fact that while I have worked a full time job in a stable career with no lapse since graduating from college 13 years ago….she is unemployed (because why work when you can mooch off your ex-husband) with a master’s degree (pretending to be a stay-at-home mom) and involved in a long term relationship with a guy who apparently figures, “Why buy the homely, old cow when I can get the milk on another guy’s dime.”   But….I’m the bimbo.

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Also, while we’re on the topic, when we don’t receive a thank-you card from said boyfriend or his children for the birthday presents and Christmas gifts we were so kind to buy them all.   Rude.

Today, the thought came to mind within about ten minutes of arriving at work this morning.

Despite the fact that I wished daily for the Zombie Apocalypse or a lottery win that would allow me to quit, I returned to work today following a nice bit of time away between Christmas and the New Year.

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Good thing I did too, because I would have missed out on spending the better part of my day discussing an associates thieving butt.  To be clear, his thievery and his butt were two separate matters to address.

Seem strange that those two things would go together?

Yeah, that’s what I thought too.

Here’s the scene….apparently, just before the New Year Holiday, a team meeting was held with a small team of associates at one of the Big Ass Company’s distribution centers.

After the meeting wrapped, The Flash (we’ll call him), decided it would be funny to moon a group of his co-workers before taking off in his car.  Most of his audience apparently got a good laugh….and I likely wouldn’t have heard anything about it….had the building’s Administrative Assistant not had a front row seat to the show from her office window.

Not wanting to bother me on my vacation, she waited until today to let me know.  “I don’t want him to get in any trouble or lose his job.  No one seemed particularly bothered or offended by it….they’re a chummy group….but I think he needs a reminder about what is and isn’t appropriate behavior at work.”

Up until this point, The Flash had done a good job, so my initial plan was to call him in, talk about the issue and then most likely let it go.

Here’s how it went:

Me:  Hi, Flash, how are you?  Did you have a nice holiday?

The Flash:  Yes, it was a good time with family.  How about you?

Me:  Great!  I enjoyed some time off, a lot of relaxing, but its back to the grind.  So, I have something I need to talk to you about.

The Flash:  I know.  I know why I’m here.  You don’t have to explain.  I want to be honest about it.  I’m not going to make excuses for myself.  Yes, I have been using the company gas card for personal use.

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Me:  Um.  Ok.  That’s actually not what I was going to talk you about….though we need to now.

The Flash:  What were you going to talk to me about?

Me:  The incident that occurred after the team meeting last week….(no sign of comprehension)….in the parking lot before you left….(still no sign of comprehension)….I heard you mooned some of your co-workers.    

The Flash:  (Now defensive)  That was a joke!  Who reported me for that!?

Me:  That’s not information I would disclose.

The Flash:  So, you didn’t know about the fuel charges?

Me:  Nope.

The Flash:  Am I going to get fired?

Me:  It’s a definite possibility. 

And so it went that I spent the remainder of my day conducting an investigation for termination based on both his butt and his thievery.

I can only hope he learned something from this.  Specifically….never, ever, take the lead in these types of conversations and definitely don’t sell yourself out before you hear the evidence.

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