The News You Can Use….For Nothing Useful

So….meet Jennifer Connell.  The world’s biggest asshole.  At least this week.  I’m sure one of the Kardashian’s or Kanye will resume the post next week, but for now, I feel like the honor goes solely to this lady.


Apparently, Jennifer sued her now 12-year-old nephew for an injury she sustained at his 8th birthday party….in a lawsuit she filed two years ago and approximately one year before the boy’s mother passed away.  Klassy (Kardashian style).

According to the reports I’ve read online, the Great Assholio…I mean, good ole’ Auntie Jen, claims she sustained a broken wrist when her over-exuberant nephew Sean leapt into her arms upon her arrival at his birthday party exclaiming, “Auntie Jen, I love you!”

What a deviant little bastard….am I right?

Among the hardships Auntie Jen has suffered as a result of her nephews callous and thoughtless actions, she testified, “I was at a party recently and it was difficult to hold my hors d’oeuvres plate.”  

Ouch…I mean, how can a person be reasonably expected to carry-on in life without being able to hold a plate of Tuna Nicoise Crostini and a couple of Grilled Scallops wrapped in Prosciutto?  Hardly seems a life worth living if you ask me.

The runner-up in the race to be the World’s Biggest Asshole this week is her lawyer, who not only accepted the case and saw it through to an actual jury trial, but who also drew up the legal filing that stated:

“The injuries, losses and harms to the plaintiff were caused by the negligence and carelessness of the minor defendant in that a reasonable eight year old under those circumstances would know or should have known that a forceful greeting such as the one delivered by the defendant to the plaintiff could cause the harms and losses suffered by the plaintiff.”

Um….is there even such a thing as a “reasonable eight year old?”  Kids that age still believe that a fat guy in a red suit flies all over the entire world, in a single night, in a sleigh driven by flying reindeer and delivers presents by stuffing himself down a chimney in the middle of the night.

They believe in a winged woman who comes into their room while they sleep to collect lost teeth from under their pillow and then pays them for the privilege.

When my step-son was eight, I convinced him that I didn’t fart or poop.  “Because I don’t,” was the only explanation he was ever given….and he fully accepted it.

So, yeah….”eight-year-old” and “reason,” are two things that just don’t seem to go together.

And yes, Auntie Jen is reported as having said her intent with the lawsuit was not to punish or take from her nephew directly….who she describes as being “very loving” and “sensitive” to her….but instead, she was looking to collect from his parents home owner’s insurance policy in order to pay the medical bills she accumulated as the result of the injury.

But still….I can’t help but feel like it was an incredibly douchey thing to do….especially considering that personal injury claims could ultimately have an impact on the families insurance rates for years to come.

Not to mention the impact it must have had on her nephew who has been legally accused of a significant wrongdoing by an adult he trusts.  As a result, he’s likely been the subject of a subsequent investigation by the insurance company and deposed by lawyers who are suggesting….what, exactly?  That he’s guilty of being too loving?  Too emotional?  Too carefree?  Too….eight?

Some sort of family code should have prevailed here.  Surely, there was a more family friendly approach to the retribution she felt she was due, right?

Like….maybe he could have served as her assistant during the hors d’oeuvres portion of dinner parties, by holding her plate and fetching her refills.  Or, perhaps he could have offered to help carry her groceries to her third-floor walk-up in Manhattan.  Or maybe….she could have just requested he apologize with a “Gee, Auntie Jen, I’m sorry if in my excitement over my birthday party and my brand new bike, I loved you a little too hard.”   

Sure, it stinks that she broke her wrist and medical bills ensued, but seriously, suck it up lady.

Though her demand, $127,0000, was not as excessive as the woman who sued McDonald’s because her HOT coffee was too HOT, or the guy who sued Anheuser-Busch after his mass consumption of Bud Light failed to make beautiful women come to life in a tropical setting like it does in their commercials, it still seems a bit excessive for the mental anguish she claims to have suffered and the cost to treat her injury.

Unlike the jury in Lieback v. McDonald’s though, the Connecticut jury who presided over the case of Auntie Jen v. Average, Normal Eight-Year-Old….got it right when they awarded her nothing.

I wonder if she intends to show up for Thanksgiving dinner….or if she plans to buy him a Christmas present….albeit a cheaper one now that she didn’t cash in.

If so, I hope she intends to bring a body guard.  He’s 12 now and has gotten away with his first act of violence.  Who know’s, maybe he’ll pull her hair or break a toe this time.

YIKES, could you imagine the horror of attending a holiday party in a walking cast?  Shudder.


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