It Wasn’t Me….

My life doesn’t typically include back to back vacations…. but in a stroke of good luck, good timing and good planning….me, my husband and our son, have headed off to a warmer climate for an extended Mother’s Day celebration.

It’s my gift every year….a tradition of ours that began in the years after I became a mom and it’s among my most favorite trips.   I enjoy having the time together with just my husband and son and it’s a nice way to thaw out after a long New England winter.

Of course, before we took off, there was work to be done….paychecks are a necessity for such expenditures….so here’s how I earned it.

1.  I didn’t see a butt-hole, a vagina or a boob this week….depending on how you look at it….but I did officially learn I will not be laid off.

The “project” I have previously referenced….the one I thought might lead to the elimination of my position….will instead provide me with some added support….allegedly….so that I can be freed up to take on another responsibility.

Essentially, a small, but time consuming piece of what I do has been outsourced to a third-party vendor….they have assigned the project to a team of five….who I will have to oversee.

AWESOME….is not what comes to mind.

The Fabu-Less Five and I had a conference call this week to transition over the workload.  I was told they had been provided extensive training on our systems and processes and were ready to “hit the ground running.”

I could tell from the conversation and the questions asked that they were more prepared to hit the ground being annoying and time consuming.

The next day, I got a phone call from the group asking me if I could walk them through the log-in process for the software they’ll be using.

Me:  You mean, how you type your information into the appropriate fields?

The Fabu-Less Five:  Is that all you have to do?

Me:  Yeah, that’s it.

I’m now suspicious the real motive in all this is that The Company wants to torture me into quitting….because they are selfish bastards who don’t want to give me a severance package.  Well….GAME ON!

2.  On Tuesday, while inching along in the usual bumper to bumper traffic of the morning commute, I was minding my own business, listening to a great book by Cheryl Strayed….Tiny Beautiful Things…which is a compilation of some of the letters she received as the author of the Dear Sugar column for the Rumpus.net….when a contractor employed by a company called Mirra Co., Inc., a contractor for Comcast, (the name of which has NOT been changed to protect the disgusting and rude), rolled down his driver side window and hocked a giant loogie that landed with a splat on the hood of my freshly washed and waxed vehicle.

Dear Comcast….You spat on me once when you eliminated Soap Net….which I loved for its near constant airing of the original Beverly Hills 90210….and now you have spat on me, literally, for the last time. G.F.Y. (Good for you, or….something else).

3.  I was prepping for an interview when I noticed something that looked a bit strange in the candidates application profile.  A resume….Dad’s resume?

To make a really long story short….Kelly the candidate didn’t have a resume of her own….so she thought she’d upload her Dad’s….because who would ever know the difference?

Dad's Resume4.  Then there was this guy….

IMG_0166 2

5.  I used 22% of one of my work-days to get a spa pedi so my tootsie’s would be beach beautiful in time for my trip.  Of course, I worked until 9:30pm the night before and until 8:00pm the night before that, so who am I kidding with all his bravado….but that’s neither here nor there.

The real story here is that the woman in the chair next to me was having what appeared to be carpentry work done to her feet.

The nail technician was using a Dremel tool to scrape something lumpy off the woman’s foot while she sat absorbed in an old issue of People….seemingly unconcerned that the technician might slip….or sneeze….and grind off a toe.

I kind of wanted to lean in and ask the tech if she also did wood carvings….because I might be in the market….but I didn’t.

It seemed like just the sort of thing that might cause her to slip and grind off a toe….and I didn’t want to be responsible for something like that going into sandal season.

Have a great weekend and thank you for reading!

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