Three Kids and No Longer Counting….

My family and I returned from vacation yesterday evening….well vacationed and exhausted….reality patiently and inevitably, awaiting our return.

There is grocery shopping to be done….unless I can figure out how to whip up a dinner using the current contents of my fridge….a questionable half gallon of milk, grape jelly, the hard boiled eggs we decorated on Easter, a furry pork chop, half an onion and a lemon.

There is post vacation laundry to be done….as soon as possible….or we’ll all be going commando by Wednesday and my son will have to become one of those kids who wears a Halloween costume as everyday attire.  Not such a big deal, except he was Sir Topham Hatt from Thomas the Tank Engine this past year.  His costume was a mini-tuxedo with tails and a top hat….far less obvious than say, Spider-Man….so I’d be concerned people would assume he’d been brought to the playground to recruit their children into some kind of bizarre religious cult.

Sir Topham Hatt

There is also work….true to the promise I recently made myself, I was totally unavailable for work related matters the entire duration of my vacation for the first time in my career.  I was away for a total of three work days and I returned to 127 emails….so, I’m now debating who actually won in this scenario.

Before I logged off and entered vacation mode last week, I did put in two days of semi-hard work, along with all the necessary vacation prep-work.  So, even though I still have a full email box and some of my co-workers have resorted to stalking me…. because apparently every one of them has a matter just slightly more urgent than all the others that must be discussed IMMEDIATELY….I figured I would use 22% of my day to take a quick time out and provide a run down of how I earned my paycheck and enjoyed my vacation last week.

1.  I interviewed a cigarette butt….technically it was a person, but in the waft of stale smoke that lingered about him like Pig Pen, all I could see was a talking ash tray and all I could focus on was holding my breath for as long as possible throughout the interview to minimize the second hand smoke exposure.  I’m pretty sure I’m now a pack a day smoker and I should probably get a chest x-ray ASAP.

2.  I took my dog to the vet for his annual check-up, vaccinations and to ensure he was A-OK to check-in at the Doggie Hotel while we were away on vacation.  I wasn’t aware I was supposed to bring a stool sample this time….so I reported that my dog, ever the classy guy, had deposited a sample on the floor when we first arrived, but who thinks they should save a dog turd?  So, I was asked to drop one off….just whenever I happen to be in the area with a sample of stool in my purse.

3.  Meet Curtis.  Curtis was not at all stoked to hear I was withdrawing our employment offer because his pre-placement drug screen tested positive for marijuana.  The conversation went like this….

Curtis:  I DON’T SMOKE MARIJUANA….IT WAS CANABIS!  MEDICALLY PRESCRIBED CANNABIS!

Me:  Alright….well, I have no clue what the difference is….all I can tell you is that the drug test result came back positive for marijuana.

Curtis:  IT’S MEDICALLY PRESCRIBED CANNABIS!

Me:  Do you have the prescription?

Curtis:  I KNOW MY RIGHTS!

Me:  Your rights as they relate to what?

Curtis:  MEDICALLY PRESCRIBED CANNABIS!

Me:  I have no idea what you’re carrying on about right now.  If you have a prescription for medical marijuana….

Curtis:  CANNABIS!

Me:  Fine, cannabis, did you present a prescription, or advise the clinic at the time of testing?

Curtis:  IT’S AN OUT OF STATE PRESCRIPTION!

Me:  Any chance you could speak a little louder?  I can’t hear you thanks to the ringing in my ear from all your shrieking.

Curtis:  YOU ARE BREAKING THE LAW!

Me:  Look, I’m not in the mood for this.  I really don’t care if you have a legitimate prescription or not, because it has no bearing on anything as it relates to this job.  Our employment offer has been withdrawn, good luck to you.

Curtis:  YOU’RE A REAL BITCH!  QUEEN BITCH!  I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR BOSS!

Me:  Awww, thank you and no problem!

Me to myself:  You think I’m bad….just wait until you speak with the King of the Assholes….

4.  A random man on the Metro, who bore an uncanny resemblance to Larry David….if Larry had a lisp….asked if I was “planning to be like Mama Duggar?”  I just stared at him, confused, in response.

Lispy Larry David:  You know, the 19 Kids and Counting gal?

Me:  *Crickets*

Lispy Larry David:  She’s got quite the quiver-full.  Get it?  Their Quiverfull’s?

Me:  *Crickets*

Lispy Larry David:  Well, you’re well on your way, I’d say.

Me:  With three children in tow, I’m well on my way?  Seems like a bit of a stretch to suggest 19 is right around the corner.  What about me says, “She’s just like that mama Duggar, anyway?”  Am I wearing a denim skirt and a bad perm I’m not aware of?  This is my purse dangling here, not my uterus….it that helping to clear things up?

Duggar

And that….that exchange right there….is why people in the northeast never make eye contact or engage in conversation with strangers on public transportation….or anywhere.  We aren’t rude….we’re frigidly polite.

5.  I spent some time looking at the stats page on my blog and discovered the following search terms recently directed users to my page:

– Boob Wars

– How to Dress Up My Man

– Job Fair Swag

I have a feeling these folks were sorely disappointed….except maybe the last….depending on why they were looking.

6.  Kind of random to list six things, I feel like it should be either 5 or 10, but it’s worth sharing that our family vacation…. despite all my trepidations caused by vacations past….was great!  Could it be, after nearly eight years, we have turned a pivotal blended family corner?  I probably won’t hold my breath, but I’m thankful just the same.

Have a great week and thank you for reading!

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