It Puts the Lotion On….

This morning, while going through my email inbox, I came across a message from LinkedIn advising me of a number of new articles recently posted on various HR related topics.

Most of the time, I casually skim through the headlines and hit delete….largely because they are boring, lacking in humor and almost always about the same things.

For women:  The various ways in which we can and should be “Leaning In”….Avoiding the “Mommy Track”….Embracing the “Mommy Track”….Women with Ambition, UNITE!

For the unemployed:  Resumes that WOW….How to Answer the Really Tough Questions….Interview Preparation, etc.

Today, I saw an article entitled “7 Qualities That Will Get You Hired.”  Given the topic I’ve been writing about in my blog, I opened it up to see what the author had to say.  Among the seven qualities listed were, “The Ability to Make Quick Decisions” and “The Drive to Win.”

Well….no kidding….since when have employers been desperate to recruit indecisive, procrastinators comfortable with mediocrity?  It wasn’t exactly earth shattering insight….though I’m sure the author meant well and it did get me to thinking about the advice I might give.  In my case though, my article would be entitled:  “7 Qualities That Will NOT Get You Hired.”

So, here goes….

“7 Qualities That Will NOT Get You Hired.”

1.  Stalking Tendencies:   You can’t win them all. Sometimes, you just don’t get the job.  It may not be that you lack any particular skill or qualification necessary to be successful in the role.  It may not be because you bombed on that one interview question….and it may not be because you farted during the interview, creating a horribly awkward moment when neither you, nor the interviewer, knew exactly how to address the stinky elephant wafting about the room.  It could just be that for this particular opportunity, someone else was a slightly better fit.

While I do think it’s perfectly acceptable to follow up and politely express your disappointment at not being chosen and/or request some feedback regarding your interview….it’s best to just accept what they say and get over it.  Because, the moment you resort to behavior that makes a restraining order a feasible option for making you go away, is the moment you have lost all opportunity for employment at that company….ever.  This includes any of the following tactics:

  1. Mistakenly assuming that the hiring manager has stopped answering your calls, (after 25 conversations about the outcome of your interview), because her phone suddenly stopped working….thus causing you to conclude your best course of action is to place her on speed dial and spend an entire day/week hitting re-dial….over and over and over….
  1. When the above fails to garner a response and you begin to wonder if maybe, just maybe, she’s avoiding you and instead of taking the hint, deciding to try a new approach….calling her from another phone line and/or blocking your phone number from caller ID and commencing your cellular assault.
  1. When this fails….concluding that she doesn’t really loath you at this point….she’s just busy, but would love to hear from you by email….repeatedly.
  1. When this also fails….deciding that popping in at her office…in your white, curtained conversion van and insisting you have time to wait, all day if necessary, after being advised she is not available….would show her just how driven you really are.
  1. And when this also fails….spotting her as she tries to make an escape through a backdoor and then chasing her out into the parking lot and concluding it’s not at all horrifying for you to corner her at her car with your resume and a new list of references appealing for her to reconsider…..then as her eyes dart around for witnesses and you see her breathe a clear sigh of relief when she finally manages to get into her car and drive away….deciding the best way to leave a final impression would be to pull up beside her at a light, roll down the window and shout, “I’m not following you….this is how I go home too!”

2.  Delusional:  If you are asked, during an interview, to explain your reasons for leaving prior employers listed on your resume and your responses include anything like:

Employer 1:  “There was a misunderstanding involving funds.”

Employer 2:  “Oh, there was a slight scheduling debacle.”

Employer 3:  “There was some confusion regarding the company’s sexual harassment policy.”

There is a high probability that the only confused party is you.  Stop stealing, show up for work when scheduled and quit molesting co-workers.  No means no….it’s not that hard.

3.  A Crybaby:  If asked about your proudest professional accomplishment and you are moved to tears….it likely won’t matter that your answer includes a rock-solid plan for solving the world’s peace problems.  Tears are pretty much the kiss of death….it makes you look unstable, incapable of controlling your emotions in high pressure situations and a little bit crazy.  Anyone who suggests it’s not so bad to shed a tear or two because it shows you are a compassionate, carrying person is lying.  It’s fodder for break room comedy.

4.  High Maintenance:  If you haven’t even had a first interview yet and you’re already requesting that concessions be made to accommodate you, whatever foot you had in the door is becoming dangerously close to being squashed.  I get it, interviewing while employed elsewhere is a slippery slope, but it’s not my problem.

“Nope…I am not available to interview you at 8:00pm in an otherwise closed, dark and empty office complex….I don’t know you and while you might be perfectly delightful, I’ve seen enough true crime documentaries to know that perfectly delightful sometimes results in being deposited in a dumpster without a pulse.”

“HAHAHAHAHAHA!  Can I meet you on a Saturday/Sunday?  Let me repeat…HAHAHAHAHAHA!  No.  I have a life and it doesn’t revolve around you.”

5.  A Potty Mouth:  To put it simply….the words “Asshole” and “Fuckin'” have no place in a job interview.  Use your words!

6.  Loose:  If your resume is filled with more employers than years you’ve been alive…you’ve been branded a flight risk….if you have any hope at redemption, your explanation better involve something other than, “The manager and I had creative differences” or, “I’ve been on a journey of self-discovery….testing the waters….trying to find a permanent place to land.” 

7.  Desperate:  Even if you are, don’t tell.  Attempting to appeal to a hiring manager by disclosing all of your financial hardships and your willingness to do anything….ANYTHING AT ALL….for a paycheck, never works.

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