What You Want With My Man…..
Now that 2014 has come to a close, I thought I would share the five most memorable conversations I had with applicants throughout the year…all of whom, I hope I never have to speak to again….
#1 – Do they make a shampoo for that?
Applicant: I got your offer letter and I have some questions about the drug screen. What kind of test is it?
Me: It’s a hair follicle test.
Applicant: Oh, well, when do I have to go for the test?
Me: I typically ask that you go within a week of receiving the offer letter if you plan to accept the position.
Applicant: So, it wouldn’t be OK if I went, like, next month or something?
Me: No, I don’t think that would work.
Applicant: Why don’t you just do the pee test?
Me: Because the hair follicle can detect certain illegal substances used over the course of several months.
Applicant: What if I don’t have any hair on my head?
Me: They’ll take body hair.
Applicant: What if I don’t have any body hair?
Me: Are you trying to tell me that you have no hair, or are you trying to tell me something else?
Applicant: Ok, see, I don’t do drugs, but everyone in my family does. My parents and all my siblings and I live at home so whatever they smoke, I’m sure it’s in my hair.
Me: I don’t think it works that way. You have to be a user in order to test positive.
Applicant: Well, maybe I just shouldn’t take the job.
Me: Yeah, maybe not….
#2 – One for the X-Files….
Me: Hello, Chris, I’m calling for your scheduled telephone interview.
Chris: I thought this was happening on the 31st
Me: Right. Today is the 31st.
Chris: Are you sure?
Me: Yes, I’m fairly certain this is the 31st.
Chris: I don’t think it is. Isn’t it Wednesday?
Me: Nope….it’s Thursday…all day even.
Chris: Wow, how did I lose a whole day?
Me: I can’t even begin to guess.
Chris: Can we do this tomorrow since I thought tomorrow was Thursday?
#3 – Must not have been clear in the company handbook….
Me: “So, you were at the electronics store for six months? Why so short a time?
Applicant: Well, I got fired from that job. I got caught stealing money.
Me: I see. Ok, so after that you became a collections rep, also for six months, why did you leave there?
Applicant: Well, I got fired from that job too. I didn’t steal anything though, it was only sexual harassment.
Me: ONLY sexual harassment?
Applicant: Yeah, I made a few comments to a girl at work I guess you’re not allowed to make at work.
Me: Alright. Um, then you were at the casino for 9 months? Why did you leave?
Applicant: I got fired again. I got caught having a friend fill in for me when I couldn’t work.
Me: Like another employee?
Applicant: No, he didn’t work there, but I was just doing janitor work and it’s a big place, I didn’t think anyone would notice.
Me to Myself: Huh….that’s kind of brilliant…I wonder if I could get away with that?
#4 – As Teresa Giudice would say, “He was away….”
Me: There is an 11 year employment gap on your application, what have you been doing?
Applicant: I was spending some time at a State Correctional Institution.
Me: You were incarcerated?
Applicant: That’s one way of saying it.
#5 – Apples to Oranges….
Job Fair Attendant Who Visited My Table: “What if I got a record?”
Me: “Depends on your record.”
Job Fair Attendant: “Just a couple felonies, but I didn’t actually kill anyone.”
HAPPY NEW YEAR!