What You Want With My Man…..

Now that 2014 has come to a close, I thought I would share the five most memorable conversations I had with applicants throughout the year…all of whom, I hope I never have to speak to again….

#1 – Do they make a shampoo for that?

Applicant:  I got your offer letter and I have some questions about the drug screen.  What kind of test is it?

Me:  It’s a hair follicle test.

Applicant:  Oh, well, when do I have to go for the test?

Me:  I typically ask that you go within a week of receiving the offer letter if you plan to accept the position.

Applicant:  So, it wouldn’t be OK if I went, like, next month or something?

Me:  No, I don’t think that would work.

Applicant:  Why don’t you just do the pee test?

Me:  Because the hair follicle can detect certain illegal substances used over the course of several months.

Applicant:  What if I don’t have any hair on my head?

Me:  They’ll take body hair.

Applicant:  What if I don’t have any body hair?

Me:  Are you trying to tell me that you have no hair, or are you trying to tell me something else?

Applicant:  Ok, see, I don’t do drugs, but everyone in my family does.  My parents and all my siblings and I live at home so whatever they smoke, I’m sure it’s in my hair.

Me:  I don’t think it works that way. You have to be a user in order to test positive.

Applicant:  Well, maybe I just shouldn’t take the job.

Me:  Yeah, maybe not….

#2 – One for the X-Files….

Me:  Hello, Chris, I’m calling for your scheduled telephone interview.

Chris:  I thought this was happening on the 31st

Me:  Right.  Today is the 31st.

Chris:  Are you sure?

Me:  Yes, I’m fairly certain this is the 31st.

Chris:  I don’t think it is.  Isn’t it Wednesday?

Me:  Nope….it’s Thursday…all day even.

Chris:  Wow, how did I lose a whole day?

Me:  I can’t even begin to guess.

Chris:  Can we do this tomorrow since I thought tomorrow was Thursday?

Me:  No.

#3Must not have been clear in the company handbook….

Me:  “So, you were at the electronics store for six months?  Why so short a time?

Applicant:  Well, I got fired from that job. I got caught stealing money.

Me:  I see. Ok, so after that you became a collections rep, also for six months, why did you leave there?

Applicant: Well, I got fired from that job too. I didn’t steal anything though, it was only sexual harassment.

Me:  ONLY sexual harassment?

Applicant:  Yeah, I made a few comments to a girl at work I guess you’re not allowed to make at work.  

Me:  Alright. Um, then you were at the casino for 9 months? Why did you leave? 

Applicant:  I got fired again. I got caught having a friend fill in for me when I couldn’t work.

Me:  Like another employee?

Applicant:  No, he didn’t work there, but I was just doing janitor work and it’s a big place, I didn’t think anyone would notice. 

Me to Myself:  Huh….that’s kind of brilliant…I wonder if I could get away with that?

#4As Teresa Giudice would say, “He was away….”

Me:  There is an 11 year employment gap on your application, what have you been doing?

Applicant:  I was spending some time at a State Correctional Institution.

Me:  You were incarcerated?

Applicant:  That’s one way of saying it.

#5 – Apples to Oranges….

Job Fair Attendant Who Visited My Table:  “What if I got a record?”

Me:  “Depends on your record.”

Job Fair Attendant:  “Just a couple felonies, but I didn’t actually kill anyone.”


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