This morning, on my way home from dropping my son off at pre-school, I stopped into the post office to pick up some bread and milk. Just kidding…I stopped to mail a package.
Anyway, there was only one person working at the desk and a relatively long line. After about five minutes, the woman in front me turned and asked if it would be OK if she stepped out of line for a moment to set her heavy looking package on the counter.
I smiled and told her I didn’t mind at all.
When she returned, she informed me that her daughter had just recently moved to Arizona and she was mailing her a box of duplicate Pampered Chef items she’d accidentally purchased more than once while at different parties.
I thought about telling her the last thing my mom mailed to me were treasures from my childhood….covered in green mold….but I didn’t, because I’m working on improving my small talk skills.
“Obviously, I love Pampered Chef.” She said.
“Me too.” I lied….for literally no reason. “I have so much of it.” (Lie)
“What’s your favorite product?” She asked.
“Fuck.” I said. (Lie)
I have one thing from Pampered Chef. A pizza stone I bought when a neighbor hosted a party at least seven years ago and I doubt it’s the pinnacle of their product line.
What I actually said was, “Just one favorite?! There are so many.” (Lie)
She told me she had a lot of favorites too….including some kind of pan, that had some sort of foam thing and maybe a heart, I’m not really sure, I wasn’t really listening, but then she said her prized items were the knives.
That sounded good, so I told her I would have to agree. (Lie)
Apparently, those knives are pretty damn special, because she informed me she is the only person in her household allowed to use them.
I told her I was the only person in my household who ever cooked and that I doubted anyone in my family would even knew where to find a knife, let alone what to do with it if they did. (Lie)
Then she asked if I purchased often and if I knew a consultant, or just attended regular parties. Then, I panicked.
I knew that if I told her neither applied, I’d probably end up leaving there with a business card, a catalog and possibly a commitment to host a party this very weekend.
So, I told her I had a consultant. (Lie)
“That’s great! Good to have the connection. Is she local, what’s her name?”
“Fuck.” I said. (Lie)
“No, not local.” Her name is Wendy. I’ve known her since college, she lives in Kentucky.” (LIES….ALL LIES).
Then she gave me her card and told me that if I was ever interested in attending a local party and meeting some new people, to give her a call or send her an email.
“Awesome! I definitely will!” I said with enthusiasm (Lie)
Now, I have to find a new post office.
In what I can only hope is some kind of April Fools’ Day joke, Jon Gosselin is making his debut as a stripper at an Atlantic City Nightclub on April 1st.
He’ll be performing in a show called “Untamed Male Revue.”
Perhaps, there’s a pleasant surprise under that shiny purple shirt, but I’m guessing his dainty, little hands suggest otherwise.
In the event you’re in the area….and desperate….his performance will be take place at Dusk Nightclub located inside Caesars Atlantic City.
“Untamed Male Revue” is being billed as an upscale male burlesque show designed by women for women and featuring a high level of production, special effects, trained dancers, female emcees and state of the art sound and light.
I’m guessing it’s going to take all of that to make it look good.